Demented Tales
by FatherandSonGrimm
Summary: We parody all those wonderful fanfiction ideas that always seem to pop up. Enjoy and add. We're proabably going to be killed for some of these.
1. Scoobies in Twilight

Disclaimer: These stories are meant to be parodies. If they seem offensive, get over yourself, its all for fun and games. You guys are free to add to these ficlets, but try and follow no real sex and keep it fun and light.

Scoobies in Twilight

"Is she all right B?" Faith looks down at the girl who fell fainted not a moment ago.

"Probably, I mean, she was just about to be eaten by what, seven vampires? And I mean...Faith!!! Put down her wallet!"

Faith looks up at Buffy innocently.

"Hey I was just seeing who she was…Isabella Swan…" She read sliding the money in her back pocket and handing the wallet back, as Buffy hefted the unconscious form. They planned to take her to the local police station as they stepped outside in the daytime.

"I know but still, that's just soooo tacky. Besides, I'm more interested on their, you know, glitteryness. Who ever heard of shiny vamps?" Faith shrugs, waving her hair around.

"I don't know but damn, instead of dust they puffed into glitter, I got it all over my hair, jeeze I better get it out or I'll be soooo pissed."

The two girls leave the empty home carrying Bella's body.

Authors Note: The Buffy and Twilight series are owned by their respective owners


	2. Dusty Relationships

Disclaimer: These stories are meant to be parodies. If they seem offensive, get over yourself, its all for fun and games.

Dusty Relationships

"Xander…I don't think I ever noticed before, mate, but I luv ya." Spike looked, slowly into Xander's big eyes.  
Xander nodded, falling into a deep embrace with Spike.

"You too, I never knew how…intense my feelings were towards you…" They tore apart from each other as Xander led Spike to the bedroom.

All the while Buffy and Dawn watched, silently, opened eyed, as they followed the two lovers quietly, listening in on the closed door.

All of the sudden there was an, "OH XANDER!!!" and then all was quiet. Then there was a humming sound

In seconds the two accidently fell through the door, and to their horror…Xander was vacuuming up his bed with a hand held vacuum all alone

"Well what did you expect?" Xander says.

Buffy's eyes got even bigger.

Author's Note: The Buffy series is owned by its respective owners. Okay this was really disturbing to write!!


	3. Gay Ol' Time

Disclaimer: These stories are meant to be parodies. If they seem offensive, get over yourself, its all for fun and games.

Gay Ol' Time

"Buffy, guys…I have a confession." Willow looks down. "I'm gay, this is my lover, Tara…"

Buffy nods and looks thoughtful.

"Well I have a confession too. I'm gay also, whew; I feel soo much better…"

They all nod.

"Guys," Xander pipes in. "I have to confess I'm also gay, been for a while, I love guys…" The others smile nodding, knowingly.

"And as long as everyone's confessing…" Giles wipes his glasses. "I'm also gay, Ethan and I were…much more then good friends. We were lovers."

The Scoobies nodded and then all came together for a big group hug.

Xander stopped and look up.

"There's something I need to do."

A while later Xander knocked on the door to Larry's home.

"Xander, it's been a while, it's good to see you, what's up?"  
Xander looks up to Larry, smiling.

"I have to confess, I love you Larry, always have and always will…"

'Oh…" Larry looked down.

"To be honest with you, that was just a phase, turns out I'm actually straight."

Author's Note: The Buffy series is owned by its respective owners. Okay another disturbing one!


	4. Trimming Some Branches

Disclaimer: These stories are meant to be parodies. If they seem offensive, get over yourself, its all for fun and games.

Trimming Some Branches

"OK let me get this straight…" Buffy asked again confused, as the genealogist sighs. He didn't want to go over it again, it was too confusing.

"Along with My mother, Hanks not my father, it turns out some guy name Logan is. I have Dawn, but I also have a Secret brother, named Harry Potter, two cousins named Scott and Alex Summers, and some Uncle who's a Colonel named Jack O'Neal? And…my real mom is Jamie Summers?"

Willow shrugs.

"Well hey, I have a whole British family I didn't know about named the Weasleys or something and other…plus some cousin to a girl named Jean Grey…"

"Yeah well I…" Xander chimes in. "found out…"

But before Xander could finish, the building shakes, and suddenly there's a giant explosion as a big green brute crashes through the wall. Getting up and looking down at the people the hulk snarls.

Xander is the first with a reply.

"DAD!!!"

Author's Note: Buffy characters, Marvel characters, Star gate, Bionic Woman, and Harry Potter Characters all belong to their respective owners. Okay better.


	5. Hot Off the Undead Grill

Disclaimer: These stories are meant to be parodies. If they seem offensive, get over yourself, its all for fun and games.

Hot Off the Undead Grill

It was evening when the Scoobies decided to have a cookout at the local park. Giles was there as he asked Xander to get his grill.

"Now Xander…" Giles mentions as they set some stuff set up. "The secret to a good burger is the ashes, now I got to get some more picnic stuff I'll be back. Xander looks down, a bit off put as he realizes he accidentally cleaned out the grill.

Looking around trying to find another one, Angel walked over.

"Oh I guess I'm early…" Xander smirked…

"MMM …These are really good Giles…" Buffy smiles, biting into the thick Burger.

He nods.

"As I always say, it's all about the ashes; hmm I wonder where Angel is?"

Xander whistles...

Author's Note: The Buffy series is owned by its respective owners. Special thanks to Married with Children Episode "Hot off the Grill".


	6. There Can’t Even be One

Disclaimer: These stories are meant to be parodies. If they seem offensive, get over yourself, its all for fun and games.

There Can't Even be One

Duncan MacLoud swings his sword for the final time. His opponents head falls off, a clean cut, the final cut. For the last time, Duncan absorbs the Highlander's power finally becoming the last…

"There can only be…" he yells absorbing the energy as he's stopped cold, his own head falls off, mouth open as Buffy finishes swinging the sword.

"Jeeze, not sure why there can only be one of but your days of beheading people for power are over demon…or sorcerer…or umm whatever you are."

She suddenly spies the ornamental sword Duncan held and her eyes went wide.

"Now this is what a girl wants…I mean you don't have any problems with me taking it do you?" She asks Duncan's lifeless body before whistling as she walks away.

Author's Note: Buffy characters and Highlander characters are own by their respective companies.


	7. A Halloween Bursting With…Confidence

Disclaimer: These stories are meant to be parodies. If they seem offensive, get over yourself, its all for fun and games.

A Halloween Bursting With…Confidence

It was all going so well for Ethan. The costumes, the spell. It was all working. The children of the town had become the little monsters he knew they would. No one was in control, it was all beautiful chaos until now…

"No please stay back…" What he didn't realize is he created a monster more powerful than could be controlled. One who's very face set his legs shivering… He could not move, only tremble. Then the voice from nowhere began…

"This is Bob. Bob has recently been given a big helping of confidence thanks to Enzyte…" The person once known as Xander Harris grins at Ethan…

Author's Note: The Buffy series is owned by its respective owners. Bob and Enzyte is copy-written those guys who own him.


	8. To Be the Next to be With You

Disclaimer: These stories are meant to be parodies. If they seem offensive, get over yourself, its all for fun and games.

To Be the Next to be With You

Buffy sighed. The multiple men around the room looked at her. She had bad news for all of them.

"Ok guys, I have something to say, to each and every one of you. Angel, I love you but you know we can never be…Spike, it just wasn't meant to be either.." They nod as she turns.

"Xander, your more like a brother to me then a lover, that's all I can do… Dean, Sam, I could never choose between you two so I have to turn you down as well." The three guys looked down, knowing the relationships with the blonde slayer were finished.

"Legolas, I love you but long distance relationships don't work, Sirius, Snape, I just can't choose between you two…" The elf shed a tear and the two wizards gave each other a dirty look.

And she went on through all the males in her life, at least 50 at last check. Until finally…

"But now I finally know who I love…ANDREW!!!" All the faces looked stunned as the geek walks out smiling shyly.

"He's the one I was meant for. Now I'm going to carry him to the bedroom for sweet passionate love…" And she did pick him up and carried him off…

"Well…that sucked…" Angel said what everyone else thought.

"You think it sucks," yelled back Andrew. "I'm gay…"

Author's Note: The Buffy, Supernatural, Lord of the Rings, And Harry Potter series are owned by their respective owners.


	9. The 4th Wall Is Dead

Disclaimer: These stories are meant to be parodies. If they seem offensive, get over yourself, its all for fun and games.

The 4th Wall Is Dead

Buffy, faith, And Willow were rolling on the floor laughing next to the computer screen. Xander at this moment took the opportunity to come in.

"Hey ho ladies, what's all the hilarity for, did Dawn date another bad guy again?" They stopped, looked at him and continued laughing until Willow was able to get herself together…

"No...no… we were just looking at Buffy the Vampire Slayer fan fiction. Did you know we were a television show in another dimension, well anyways, besides that these people seem to enjoy writing different stories about us. There's a lot on you…"

"Really, what am I like some bigger hero or something…" They started laughing hysterically again as he scanned the page reading out loud…

"And then Xander took Angel to the bed…NOOOO… NOOOO…WRONG STOP!!!!" His eyes opened wide as he clicked out of the story.

"This is…DISTURBING!!! Who would do this to me…Xander x Spike. Xander x Angel….XANDER x GILES?!!!" His face turned ashen.

"THIS IS NOT RIGHT." He turned around and pointed to the sky.

"YOU DID THIS TO ME!!! I'm not going to be your toys any longer I'm through done!!! Jeeze, people are sick…" he leaves the room, the girls fall over, laughing all the harder.

Author's Note: The Buffy series is owned by its respective owners.


	10. Stargate to Hell

Disclaimer: These stories are meant to be parodies. If they seem offensive, get over yourself, its all for fun and games. You guys are free to add to these ficlets, but try and follow no real sex and keep it fun and light.

Stargate to Hell

"Sir, are you sure you want to…"

"Yes, yes…we have people there already?" O'Neal Sighed as he and his team walked through the Stargate.

Jackson sighs as they arrive …in what could be described as a psychedelic wonderland.

"Jeeze…whoever created this world must have been on drugs." Jackson sighed as the team stepped through. Suddenly four beings came into focus over the horizon…they were…skipping…

"Jackson…what the hell are those things?"

"Well…uh…sir, the natives are…strange."

The four beings were colored purple, yellow, red, and green and had what looked like…

"Are those…TELEVISIONS in their stomachs?"

"Ugh, yes sir, hence the nickname, Teletubbies."

The purple one came up to O'Neal.

"What's this one called…"

"Umm well sir, the only thing he says we can recognize is Tinky Winky but most of the others call him…"

The being suddenly starts doing some very sexual motions against the Major's leg…

"Kinky Winkie…."

O'Neal sighs and takes out his gun and turns off the safety.

Authors Note: Stargate and Teletubbies series are owned by their respective owners.


	11. Where are they Now? MiddleEarth Edition

Disclaimer: These stories are meant to be parodies. If they seem offensive, get over yourself, its all for fun and games. You guys are free to add to these ficlets, but try and follow no real sex and keep it fun and light.

Where are they Now? Middle-Earth Edition

This is Demented tales theatre and you're watching where are they now. You all know the Exploits of the Great Gandalf the white, but what's he doing now? Well after realizing his preference towards men this old wizard decided to go and work for a school, some Hogwarts or something, after changing His name to Dumbledore.

Wondering where Legolas and the rest of his troop went? Well currently after years of time passed their magic and thus their forms have shrunk them. Currently their bakers working out of a tree under a fake name of sorts.

And what of fair Gimli, the courageous dwarf? Well after having a shaving accident he moved to a land named Oz. He's currently the head of the lollipop guild.  
Finally, what about Bilbo? That bravest little hobbit of them all? He's currently working at the local DMV where he has quite the…short temper.

Authors Note: The Lord of the Rings series are owned by their respective owners


	12. Kingdom Come with Good Food

Disclaimer: These stories are meant to be parodies. If they seem offensive, get over yourself, its all for fun and games. You guys are free to add to these ficlets, but try and follow no real sex and keep it fun and light.

King-dom Come with Good Food

"He was…Horrible…" Giles couldn't stop wiping his glasses as he sat on the couch.

"Okay…calm down G-man…now what happened?" Xander asked, while Buffy sat down next to him.

"Well I was sleeping and woke up when I felt the bed shake. He was…right next to me!"

"Who was?" Buffy piped in.

"I don't know, but he was horrible. His features…were in-human, they were so… plastic. And that smile…that smile seemed permanent part of his face."

Buffy put her arm around him.

"And he must have been some sort of king… he wore a crown and a robe…Oh excuse me, I really think I'm going to be sick again…"

As he dashed out of the room, Xander and Buffy took a look at each other and then started eating.

"You know, he might be a demon Xander, but…mmm…these are pretty good…"

"Yeah, and I was hungry. Truth be told, I left a note in tweed man's room, asking that if this Burger King shows up again, we want some fries with that…"

Authors Note: The Buffy series and the Burger King are owned by their respective owners.


End file.
